Where Do You Find Peace?

Hey everyone! It has been a long while since the last time I pour my heart into writing… I keep falling and falling into the hole of darkness not wanting to be found. Yet I believe God wants me to share this in the light, so here I am giving you a big puzzle of my life’s uncertainties and sharing my brokenness to the world.

Perhaps we share the same sentiments, and this is all the more reason I want to write this blog.

For the past three years, I gave all my time and money in traveling. I was so hyped in going to places and thought it was something good for my soul. Well, indeed it was. But it never gave me the satisfaction I’ve been longing for. Also, I found myself not wanting to mingle with anyone anymore. Terribly aloof… I lost faith in humanity, I lost faith in people because most of them take away everything you have even your sanity.

I was always a people person, I love talking to everyone, I love giving advice and sometimes I just love being surrounded by friends. I was once the jolly and cheerful lady that you can always count on to… I offer my loyalty, and that’s the thing – not everyone offers the same back. There were days when some so-called friends would confide, and you’re all ears until they let you absorb their pessimism. And you’ll find yourself being drowned to their emotions because of one thing – you cared too much. Until such time, you’d never hear from them again, and you’ll just see on their feeds of how well they were doing in contrast to what they confided to you. Oh for the love of social media, right? The list goes on and on…

My heart started to feel numb and overused if it’s even the right word to describe it. I wallowed through the fact of what’s wrong with me. Days became months of being anti-social… Months became a year of fear and insecurities. Until last month, I met up with an excellent friend of mine who is also my mentor from my previous church. Somehow the Lord knew it’s time… It’s time for me to see the bigger picture of what He is doing in my life. My mentor bought me a book called “Healing for Damaged Emotions by David A. Seamands.” As I flipped through the pages (I’m halfway to finishing it now), I see myself tearing up and realizing what I needed most in my life.

The book aside from the Bible, helped me to see the pain of my past even in my younger years. Did you know that your past scar is very much related to how you deal with your scar today? I didn’t know ’til now. Also, I realized ever since I was little I was so drawn to wanting the attention of everyone especially my parents. Yep, I went through again to the pages of my diary when I was in 6th grade until college.

We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace. But that’s not the way we live. We believe grace in our heads but not in our gut level feelings or in our relationships. There’s no other word we throw around more piously. The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions. David Semands

It was a sad and funny moment at the same time when I read from cover to cover what I wrote back in grade school. I had hundreds of crush way back specifically Nick Carter of the BSB. Yet I also saw myself hating my parents and wanting to be with my friends instead. I even wrote a lot about wanting to kill myself. Yep, imagine how broken I already was. I don’t even know where I learned the term “suicide.” I guess this is the first step of healing, learning to know where it all started. And how I felt back then made a significant scar in my heart that hasn’t been truly healed today. I didn’t yield that part to the LORD when I became a Christian 10 years ago. So every time I get hurt by someone I only learned how to bury them alive without really dealing with the scar and wanting to be healed. I just let it go and yeah I forgive you. If you’ve met some of my friends whom I’ve had tough moments with they’d tell you right away, “Oh, Kat just shut me off without telling me why.”; “She became cold for no reason.” Yep, that has become me and if you’re one of them reading this – I’m really sorry about it.

I recognized that I haven’t been trusting GOD at all. Instead of putting my faith in Him, I’ve put my faith in the world that is why I kept drowning in the seas of insecurities, selfishness and low self-esteem. The mere fact that I let people’s pessimism in my head goes to show that I placed my faith in the world’s view instead of GOD’s view. As pastor Patrick of Victory Fort said from the last preaching “The world has a basin of opinions and people are also sensitive.” There are thousands especially the world is growing in technology, everyone seems to be entitled to have their opinion and it could hurt everyone and could betray as well… Thus, at the end of each day, to whose opinion will you believe?

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Sharing you a photo by Jack Dawson. Look closer in the middle, and you could see the bird who found a hiding place in a rock… Showing you this is the picture of what perfect peace is.

I lived each day in fear of what will happen for the next few hours of my life, will I fail? Will I be hated? What will happen to me when everyone I loved leaves? How will I cope when everything went down to drain and so on and on… These are the constant noise in my life that seemingly unstoppable as I grow older, but one day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I cried before the LORD and told Him, “Ayoko na, GOD. Pagod na ako.” You know what He said… “I will heal you, my daughter.”

Healing by GOD for my damaged emotions is what I needed most in my season now.

Nevertheless, the time will come when I will heal Jerusalem’s wounds and give it prosperity and true peace. I will restore the fortunes of Judah and Israel and rebuild their towns. I will cleanse them of their sins against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion. Then this city will bring me joy, glory, and honor before all the nations of the earth. The people of the world will see all the good I do for my people, and they will tremble with awe at the peace and prosperity I provide for them. Jeremiah 33:6-9

I know in my heart that the process of real healing in Christ will be very tough. It’ll be heartwrenching, yet I know it’s nothing compared to the fact that Christ Jesus will be with me in the toughest moment and that my friend, gives me real peace.

I was hesitant to share what is going through my mind, a few of you could see this as something blunt, a few could criticize me. Except I know in my heart a lot of people are going through the same emotions as I am and it could be you, so all I can say is “The Lord will fight for you as He is fighting for me too. Will you let Him?” 

Oh how I miss writing so bad, why did I ever stopped? Tee-hee. Until next time! I’d also like this to be a platform to minister to those who are also hurting and wanting to be healed by the only Savior of this world, I’m a message away. Let’s talk and pray at the same time.

God bless you, my dear readers.

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Make A Wish, Katrina

So another year, another reason to wish for something. Yes?

Happiest birthday to me! ❤️ I still can’t believe I turned thirty-four this year, almost turning forty soon. Yet, in all honesty, I still feel like I’m in the mid-20s. Yep, I mean, I do look like one don’t I? LOL.

Early this year, I was already planning my birthday trip to Thailand for my birthday, but I couldn’t seem to have that urge to book a ticket even though Thai Airways went sale. Also, I already planned nearby trips in between my birthday month so I couldn’t spend anymore cent. I kinda have this gut feeling that I should stay put and let the Lord surprise me on which He actually did.

Sharing you snippets of my birthday weekend!

Brotzeit: Barkada and HS friends plus my cousin. Forever grateful to these people who have made a mark in my life in the past two decades. What more could I ask for? Also, it was prolly one of my favorite intimate birthday celebrations. Though missing some who couldn’t make it, specifically named Karlie she had a valid excuse. LOL.

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Because wine is life. LOL.

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…The last time I will ever jager again. I took one and a half shot because Florence couldn’t finish hers. Never doing it again. Gah. Am I too old now for shots? LOL
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Beers from Brotzeit are so good!!! Cheers!!!

And to my surprise, my best friends got me this beautiful cake. AS IN ANG GANDA. They know me too well… What a beaut! The cake was from Lucille’s PH.

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Dress: Zoo Label

The rest of the night was history. I want to share more especially the bonggang gifts but let’s just say… I wanna keep this celebration more privately this time. I feel loved by these people and grateful for all the BEAUTIFUL and THOUGHTFUL gifts they have given me.

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Through the years!

Grid x Griddle: Church Friends and College Group. As much as I want a one-night celebration I know, I couldn’t handle much and wouldn’t be able to eat. I’ve tested that already. LOL. I chose Grid and Griddle because I know how much my church friends like game night and the kiddos in my college group will be able to enjoy the place. Plus, I know one of the owners. Gladly to advertise the restaurant. I did a food review on this one, you may click the link.

I wasn’t able to take photos of the food but I’m so glad Jepoy did. Here are some of the food from their set menus.

Apparently, the kiddos enjoyed the place, how kid-friendly Grid x Griddle is!

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The Chang family. Cutest little boy!!!
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The kiddos… Oh hi darling, Louisse, my goddaughter!!
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My college groupie. Almost complete.

I appreciate everyone who came and even stayed longer to salubong my birthday… Overwhelmed and again thanks for all the thoughtful gifts, in fairness kilala nyo na akong bookworm and wine lover, LOL. There’s one thing though, I still haven’t figured out who gave the PIZZA from COAL? If you are reading this, THANK YOU.

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My church friends! Growing groupie. Missing the rest of my D-Group!!!

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I still feel awkward whenever the mandatory cake comes in. LOL.
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Cheers to more Rosé sans the wine glass. LOL

Lastly, with my dearest family. Just a simple dinner at Cafe Ilang-Ilang.

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Thinking of what more can I wish or pray for? Aside from the fact that I still am praying for my heart’s desire.

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Make a wish, Katrina.
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Oh to be thirty-four.
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Koko’s favorite little girl wants to blow the candle. Love you, babe!

I realized, the LORD has a beautiful plan afterward. The day after my birthday, I was supposed to head to La Union for a short getaway with my cousin but had to cancel it due to an Okada overnight stay with my best friends and my favorite kiddos. Soon on my vlog. Anyhoo, I came to realize one thing as Paul, the apostle, noted in one of his books,

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:11-13

There’s nothing more meaningful than to have the heart of acceptance to whichever season GOD brought you in. As far as I know, HE will go through it with you. TRUST me. When people asked me, what’s your wish? I’d tell them in a heartbeat, “to continuously SEEK HIM..” And they would tell me, “Yeah, yeah, yeah but the one wish you would like for Him to give you?” Of course, I’d be lying if I didn’t say, “A lifetime partner is what I still wish and pray for.” But, it’s not what I need most in my life though, what I need is GOD . Only He can fill the hole in my heart that no man can.

Another thing that I learned this season is to treat yourself with kindness and love. It’s okay to not feel okay, but it’s not okay if toxic people get in the way of your sunshine. It’s not even okay for them to make you feel guilty when you start to pull away from their pessimistic world just because you deserve better treatment. When that happens, you know what to do. Give extra love to yourself, a pat on your back, you’re worth is more than that.

This will also be the last time I will gather around with my friends to celebrate my birthday, not because I don’t like to celebrate it with everyone, hello it’s me, kidding. I just want to have a different kind of celebration next year and the upcoming years, something a bit more meaningful to my soul.

Moving on, after a week of my birthday, GOD surprisingly gave the best birthday gift ever. Another vacation trip, not a solo trip this time but with family!!! Since my sister came home again, my family and I decided to have a quick vacation trip to Malaysia. Yep, vlog will be up soon. Perhaps, the Lord didn’t want me to be alone on another getaway. I remember the start of the year when the Lord spoke..

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
 Proverbs 19:21

 

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Thankful to my beautiful and strong mom, who taught me that all these things are but of GOD’s breath.

Sharing you our recent family photo. Let me tell you a tiny secret, it still makes me teary-eyed and a bit sentimental after we have this kind of photo, I mean, I wish my dad was also in the picture. I remember those times when papa was still alive, he always makes sure that he will bring me a cake and let me make a wish even those times when we were in crisis. I guess that’s why blowing candles on my birthday have a significant effect on my life. I was born into a family who celebrates birthday as if a holiday because for most of us it’s a time of thanksgiving.

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Yes, you could say I already love fashion back then. LOL. Goldilocks!!! Hihi.

When Paul noted his contentment with having more and less, I know for a fact that he is indeed rooted in Christ love. And that’s what I wish and pray for each year. To have that audacity to trust GOD in whichever season He brings you especially in this world of defiance.

To end this, I want to say I appreciate every single person who made my birthday each year a beautiful one. Thank you for always making time and how happy my heart really is because of the love you guys showed me. I appreciate the LORD for you, and I thank HIM even more for life He has given me. His faithfulness endures forever. Praise and Glory to GOD, always.

Oh Holy Week.

Happy Holy Week!

Did I sound so critical with the word “Happy”? Don’t get offended, Holy Week is a time of celebration.

I was raised in a family where we would always go to church on Sunday’s and where attendance is a-must. On Holy Week, we don’t go on vacations because we’re told it’s a sacred week since Christ Jesus died again. So I usually do what the elderly say, be kind, Continue reading “Oh Holy Week.”