Hey everyone! It has been a long while since the last time I pour my heart into writing… I keep falling and falling into the hole of darkness not wanting to be found. Yet I believe God wants me to share this in the light, so here I am giving you a big puzzle of my life’s uncertainties and sharing my brokenness to the world.
Perhaps we share the same sentiments, and this is all the more reason I want to write this blog.
For the past three years, I gave all my time and money in traveling. I was so hyped in going to places and thought it was something good for my soul. Well, indeed it was. But it never gave me the satisfaction I’ve been longing for. Also, I found myself not wanting to mingle with anyone anymore. Terribly aloof… I lost faith in humanity, I lost faith in people because most of them take away everything you have even your sanity.
I was always a people person, I love talking to everyone, I love giving advice and sometimes I just love being surrounded by friends. I was once the jolly and cheerful lady that you can always count on to… I offer my loyalty, and that’s the thing – not everyone offers the same back. There were days when some so-called friends would confide, and you’re all ears until they let you absorb their pessimism. And you’ll find yourself being drowned to their emotions because of one thing – you cared too much. Until such time, you’d never hear from them again, and you’ll just see on their feeds of how well they were doing in contrast to what they confided to you. Oh for the love of social media, right? The list goes on and on…
My heart started to feel numb and overused if it’s even the right word to describe it. I wallowed through the fact of what’s wrong with me. Days became months of being anti-social… Months became a year of fear and insecurities. Until last month, I met up with an excellent friend of mine who is also my mentor from my previous church. Somehow the Lord knew it’s time… It’s time for me to see the bigger picture of what He is doing in my life. My mentor bought me a book called “Healing for Damaged Emotions by David A. Seamands.” As I flipped through the pages (I’m halfway to finishing it now), I see myself tearing up and realizing what I needed most in my life.
The book aside from the Bible, helped me to see the pain of my past even in my younger years. Did you know that your past scar is very much related to how you deal with your scar today? I didn’t know ’til now. Also, I realized ever since I was little I was so drawn to wanting the attention of everyone especially my parents. Yep, I went through again to the pages of my diary when I was in 6th grade until college.
We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace. But that’s not the way we live. We believe grace in our heads but not in our gut level feelings or in our relationships. There’s no other word we throw around more piously. The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions. David Semands
It was a sad and funny moment at the same time when I read from cover to cover what I wrote back in grade school. I had hundreds of crush way back specifically Nick Carter of the BSB. Yet I also saw myself hating my parents and wanting to be with my friends instead. I even wrote a lot about wanting to kill myself. Yep, imagine how broken I already was. I don’t even know where I learned the term “suicide.” I guess this is the first step of healing, learning to know where it all started. And how I felt back then made a significant scar in my heart that hasn’t been truly healed today. I didn’t yield that part to the LORD when I became a Christian 10 years ago. So every time I get hurt by someone I only learned how to bury them alive without really dealing with the scar and wanting to be healed. I just let it go and yeah I forgive you. If you’ve met some of my friends whom I’ve had tough moments with they’d tell you right away, “Oh, Kat just shut me off without telling me why.”; “She became cold for no reason.” Yep, that has become me and if you’re one of them reading this – I’m really sorry about it.
I recognized that I haven’t been trusting GOD at all. Instead of putting my faith in Him, I’ve put my faith in the world that is why I kept drowning in the seas of insecurities, selfishness and low self-esteem. The mere fact that I let people’s pessimism in my head goes to show that I placed my faith in the world’s view instead of GOD’s view. As pastor Patrick of Victory Fort said from the last preaching “The world has a basin of opinions and people are also sensitive.” There are thousands especially the world is growing in technology, everyone seems to be entitled to have their opinion and it could hurt everyone and could betray as well… Thus, at the end of each day, to whose opinion will you believe?
I lived each day in fear of what will happen for the next few hours of my life, will I fail? Will I be hated? What will happen to me when everyone I loved leaves? How will I cope when everything went down to drain and so on and on… These are the constant noise in my life that seemingly unstoppable as I grow older, but one day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I cried before the LORD and told Him, “Ayoko na, GOD. Pagod na ako.” You know what He said… “I will heal you, my daughter.”
Healing by GOD for my damaged emotions is what I needed most in my season now.
Nevertheless, the time will come when I will heal Jerusalem’s wounds and give it prosperity and true peace. I will restore the fortunes of Judah and Israel and rebuild their towns. I will cleanse them of their sins against me and forgive all their sins of rebellion. Then this city will bring me joy, glory, and honor before all the nations of the earth. The people of the world will see all the good I do for my people, and they will tremble with awe at the peace and prosperity I provide for them. Jeremiah 33:6-9
I know in my heart that the process of real healing in Christ will be very tough. It’ll be heartwrenching, yet I know it’s nothing compared to the fact that Christ Jesus will be with me in the toughest moment and that my friend, gives me real peace.
I was hesitant to share what is going through my mind, a few of you could see this as something blunt, a few could criticize me. Except I know in my heart a lot of people are going through the same emotions as I am and it could be you, so all I can say is “The Lord will fight for you as He is fighting for me too. Will you let Him?”
Oh how I miss writing so bad, why did I ever stopped? Tee-hee. Until next time! I’d also like this to be a platform to minister to those who are also hurting and wanting to be healed by the only Savior of this world, I’m a message away. Let’s talk and pray at the same time.
God bless you, my dear readers.